Oh, out here is so-so

You know it's no Colorado.

4kl;;;;;;o9876543eqdik
-yh09l[]

----^ curtesy of Ian. -_-'

Brooke Waggoner. Go look her up and listen to her song So-So. It's really quite good. It has some nice elements to it that I'm not really all that used to. SO it's nice! and definitly not so-so.
(lol)

It's really hard for me to concentrate right now cuz I'm currently listening to it and so I just want to talk about the song. But i'm going to spare you. And also, I've ingested copious amounts of sugar already this morning. And I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop ingesting sugar anytimes soon cuz I like sugar.

But I almost threw out my hip the like, an hour ago. It was quite bizzarr.

I hope I spelled that right.

I order you all to go look at the blog : hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
or suffer the consequences. I've been laughing at Allie for nigh on a week now and she's just really really funny.

Chirstmas is fast approaching...which means I need to go get presents! But also i'm going to be (hopefully) donating blood on Christmas Eve, that is if my mother allows me to. I'm not sure. I haven't asked her yet. (sorry kori) So I better get on that.

I just hope I don't collapse later at work or something. I distinctivilyly (yay spelling!) recall fussing at Sami for donating blood and then proceeding to walking around Costco for no reason and then fainting.

But I do believe that was right after the donation. And there will be a bit of time between donating and work.

So maybe I won't collapse.

=)

this ain't no love song

I just felt like just gettin' my guitar on.

I've always wanted to go to Europe and be in that Romantic and oh-so-beautiful atmosphere...the Old World where all the buildings are old and crumbly with vines ensnaring the thoughts and dreams of past generations and all their forefathers and blah blah blah and all that romantic crap that europe seems to illicit in us Americans.

In reality, Europe looks like everywhere else but with older buildings and with smaller cars. There are tourists everywhere and people that I would never be able to communicate with no matter how many Italian and Greek Podcasts I listen to. And I would ultimatly be dissapointed with the fact that I won't be able to hear the whispers the vines can, and I'll ultimatly be dissapointed with the fact that their are cigarette butts floating in the fountains and i'll be dissapointed in the fact that the pennies I throw in will only get all moldy and green.

So, I'm not quite as enthusiastic in going to Europe. Because I know that I'll be dissapointed. And it's not because Europe isn't a good place. Because I'm sure it is! I'm sure It's a beautiful place with beautiful people, but the Europe I currently harbor in my own thoughts is the one of fairy tales. The perfect one that I know doesn't really exist.

I don't know where this is going...maybe me finally realizing that I need to be more realistic?

Like love! It's overdramatized so much! and yeah! Love feels all fluttery and crap when you first start off! But eventually thats going to stop and you have to make a choice to love someone...you have to strive to keep the relationship going and stuff...or else...you'll never succeed.

And crap.

Give me a reason

Give me a reason to make me smile cuz I think I forgot how.

Sup dawgs?!

I took a three hour long nap a couple of hours ago and I find myself quite unable to sleep. (not that i've tried yet, but I know it's a hopeless endeavour so I may as well stay up watching movie's on Netflix. Good movies, but ones that take a very very very long time to load. So maybe I should have made 'movies' 'movie' instead. But anyhow.)

I really want a tree that hangs over a lake that I could sit on and look off into the distance all romantic and profound. Cuz then maybe I would know what I'm doing. Or at least I'd look like I know what I'm doing (because Hollywood is so good at making a sunset look just like the movies)

And women have our own crosses to bear. And just cuz the Scientific Revolution was dominated by men doesen't mean that they weren't in Germany with their own equipment with their own aspirations that the Royal Society didn't care about.

And thats my dumb tirade of the day.

the secret lives of daydreams

Catullus and E.E. Cummings.

Both not so different from each other, but with two very different styles, but still two of the greatest poets who have ever lived.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Catullus V

Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love,
and let us judge all the rumors of the old men
to be worth just one penny!
The suns are able to fall and rise:
When that brief light has fallen for us,
we must sleep a never ending night.
Give me a thousand kisses, then another hundred,
then another thousand, then a second hundred,
then yet another thousand more, then another hundred.
Then, when we have made many thousands,
we will mix them all up so that we don't know,
and so that no one can be jealous of us when he finds out
how many kisses we have shared.

So vanitys got this new gun she wants to try on you

I have never been so excited for the end of marching band season.

This defintily would have absolutly nothing to do with the fact that our director is a turd and that he is just...a turd.

And thats all I have to say on that matter. (him being a turd that is)

But I really feel like marching band is hindering my growth as an individual/me. I want to start...doing stuff that doesn't involve a forty pound plus instrument on my back and have relationships (not like that) that aren't involved in marching band.

Meaning, I want to start 'branching out' or whatever. start working more. focusing on christ more. and kickin' more A.

^^

life inside the music box ain't easy

Next time I go on a missions trip or some kind of market where people who are less fortunate than I are selling their wares and the prices are negotiable I won't talk them down.

It seems so wrong and hypocritical. Especially if one is there as a missionary.

We are suppossed to go there with open hearts and be willing to give spiritually and what not, but as soon as we hit the market place/tourist areas we begin to act as such and are penny pinchers bound and determined to haggle to our hearts content.

I used to be somewhat proud of my haggling skills. Or at least impressed with myself that I could expose a seedy looking man for the kind of crooked business man he was for charging me three fold what it was worth.

But in reality what I was doing was hardening my own heart, but also theirs. They have to jack up the prices because they know that haggling will occur and lower said price, so they have to keep it up high originally to make at least some profit. And it's hardening my heart as well...you start to look down on them...thinking them to be greedy nasty people who only want our money...and it makes me so angry with myself for thinking that...I didn't necissarily think those exact thoughts...but sometimes, rather, a lot of the times we formulate impressions and opinions of people around us without really giving a second thought to it.

But anyways.

The next time I go to Peru. Or Cambodia (I'm looking into that trip...) i'm not going to haggle.

Yeah, buying people souvenirs from foreign lands is all fine and dandy, but I as a missionary am not there to shop and be a tourist. I'm there to show people the love of God and be giving in all aspects of myself.

When my spirit grows faint

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 6TH 2010*

within me it is you who knows my way. Psalms 142:3

Psalms counts as song lyrics. =)

So tomorrow starts my senior year. And...hm. Like. I feel calm and collected...but there is a little Elizabeth running round in my head screaming her butt off about how i'm a senior and i'm oh so excited and oh em gee next year i'll be in college (except not really because i'll still be at home in a basement room with a washer and dryer accros the hall (if i were male that would be really sad))

But I really don't want to listen to that Elizabeth, because I find her extremely annoying as would the rest of the population of the world. (I can not count how many of my fellow seniors have updated stati that sound similar to that crazy mini Elizabeth. They need to find their inner monologue and quickly)

So I don't really want to dwell upon that.

But I am in fact dwelling upon my hair (I swear to you it shall be the bane of my existence)

I got it cut on saturday, and I liked it. it's like short and crap now. But with shortness comes wavyness, but i think it looks kinda cute like that. so I don't mind it all that much. but i thought that I would straighten it tonight, and then tomorrow it have some wave, but still be straight..ish.

well, i dunno that I like it. It's too straight...it's bizzar. (I never know if I spell that right) and I dunno that it's going to look very good.

well. Kori introduced me to this youtube channel called vlogbrothers that i'm thoroughly enjoying.

My fav so far is Looking for Alaska in my high school.

it was rather well put together and done.

and with that i'm going to continue to not sleep and go watch more vlogs. ^^

Go easy on me

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 15TH 2010*

I can't help what I'm doing.

I've wrestled with what i've wanted this blog post to be about today. There are so many topics that I could hit, some more interesting than others, that I honestly don't know which to go to.

so, maybe i'll just list them off and elaborate when I feel like it.

A.)I'm kind of...put out that a certain someone brought another certain ex-gf to 180 tonight. Okay, so the certain someone didn't bring her, but she was there, and looking raher...clingy...

But it's whatever.

I have a crush on him, but it's not serious. Puppy love is what you would call it I suppose. I'm not saying it doesn't suck to see him with his ex, which in reality may mean absolutly nothing at all, but it is what it is.

B.) I'm really pissed off about this whole mosque in ground zero deal. I wrote a lot today about it for this post but i've decided to forgo my insane rant for some other time.

Maybe once band camp has started and i'm feeling lazy i'll post it.

C.) My siblings are weighing more on my mind. Meaning i'm beginning to wish more often that my sister and I had a better relationship (it's really all my fault). I'm wishing that Jonathon had been a good older brother to me. I'm also wishing that he would just go away. And i'm also hoping that Josh see's me as a good older sister. One that he can come to and talk to about the important things in life as well as the not so important things in life.

D.) I'm trying to focus a lot more on my relationships with people. I'm trying to be more open and willing with my life and I want people to feel like they won't be judged in my presence. I'm not perfect and I'm not Jesus where i'm completly accepting and all that jazz, but when I meet people I try to keep an open mind and look past quirks and flaws and what not. I just want people to know that they can depend upon me. If i'm going to be a social worker than peeps will have to do that anyhow, and I want them to do it willingly

But back to the original point.

I'm trying hard to be a good friend and to really start to care not only about my friends and family but be open and loving to the people that I don't really know.

So yeah...My brain is pretty fried from thtis weekend so I'm going to hit the hay. =)

Don't look at me that way

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 13 2010*

Cuz I'll be hanging from a rope and I will haunt you like a ghost.

I really like this band "Margot and the nuclear so & so's".

Their songs are usually really profound or completly nonsensical. This one is rather profound...ish. Broad Ripple is Burning is what it's called. I seriously recomend it. The guitar in the back ground is rather haunting as are the back ground vocals, and the lead singer himself is pretty good as well.

But I really like their style, they are considered indie I think...but I'm not sure. I also like "cheap motel room" and that one is about a one night stand i think...well, maybe not a one night stand because they singer makes indications that he would like to have a legit relationship with her. But i'm just saying, I like the song. ^^

I love music. I do I do I do.

It's amazing to me psychologically musics connotations and effects it has on us.

For example, the piano song "river flows in you" by yiruma can be universally awknoledged as a beautiful and heartfelt song that leaves the listener yearning for something (at least it does me)

Whereas a song like "California Girls" or something may compel you to jump around like a crazy person dancing.

I've always just found it intrigueing because I wonder as humans are we conditioned by society to react that way or if we did a specific study with babies that are raised away from normal civilization could be conditioned to act the complete opposite to those songs.

But I think that may be inhuman or something since we are alienating people from the world...

Darn those pesky laws!!

Hello Fascination

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 12TH 2010*


I'm writing this during a storm, and I'll say that i love having a porch in these situations.

The storm reminded me of the monsoons in Iquitos. The drops were large and heavy, and they came and went so fast. I also recalled when Mary slipped and fell in one of the rivers that the houses of Belen are on. They were on a small motoro boat and needed to take refuge from one of the monsoons and in the process of gettin from boat to floating house she slipped and fell waist high in the river. Heh, that was a rather interesting story to hear.

But even when it was raining there was this epic game of futbol going on. It was all muddy and they dudes were just out there kicking some serious face. And the contrast between Rauls front porch and my front porch is what really struck me...mine is a relatively well groomed yard with trees all around and gardens and what not, and theirs was literally sitting on top of a cesspool of mud, feces, trash and worms. There was hardly any grass and the grass that was there was either taller than me or so short it looked like bristles.

I also remember showing some of the children my niece and nephew, and at first they thought they were my children! But i quickly corrected them and said "hermanos niños, hermanos ninas" and they all looked so excited to see the pictures. I showed them pictures of my pool and my house...But a moment that I don't think i'll ever forget is on the first full day I was in Belen, which was Monday, I was wearing my green bra and black tank top, and by now the straps of my bra had gotten really dirty, and they were just coated wih sweat and dirt, and I remember one of the girls my age telling me she thought it was "Bonita" and I dunno why...but it just struck me that even though my garment was mucked up and dirty she still desired it. It was like she knew the potential the bra could have in beauty (work with me here) and she was willing to look past the dirt and grime.And isn't thT basically what we as Christians are supposed to do? To look past peoples flaws and shortcomings but still say "You are bonita. You are beautiful" and not care.

Sometimes I feel that even the youngest child down there was wiser than I.

Build a turtle fence!

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 11TH 2010*

Sooo...me luverly friend Amanda MccccAllister suggested this as a title because it is an awesome song about turtles in Michigan that need turtle fences to be protected from the cars.

But today I worked for five hours and I was with Amanda Smith, and I will say that I love her to death. We muddled through a couple orders until finally kickin' it into high gear and we rocked out the register allll day long.

I don't know why i'm talking like that. hm....oh well.

Soo....i'm a bit worried that Marching Band will be a disaster because a.) I've not practiced at all this summer. At all. Ever. This summer. b.) we have a new director c.) I never seem to be able to think of a C...

but i'ma be in Wind Ensemble and I don't want to epicly failboat and suck. Because a.) I don't want to let myself down b.) I don't want to let Mr. Gray down and C.) (hey I actually have one!!) I auditioned for it so i ought to be good enough.

Kori, fyi, I'm catching up.

And Arnold Palmers will soon be learnt, and I shall be kickin' they's butts.

So watch it girl. Cuz i'ma get it.

Everybody here is trying on new faces

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 10TH 2010*

And with a shining new beginning we cordially invite you to the dressing room.



Today I went to Pitts Pond!! I haven't been there since I was about 7 or 8 or something, and I enjoyed it thirty times more than I did last time. (prolly cuz I could actually do all of the things I couldn't before.)


But on the way there I road with Cheyanne and Betheny. (Josh was there but he doesn't really count. ^^)


But I had heard that she was planning another trip to Iquitos in December. And I was just blown away that she was following through with her claims.


When we were actually in Peru she really just got under my skin. I think because of the whole Becca thing and just her constant and incssent flirtations with Josue and her need to be the center of attention. And when she went on about her plans I was really doubtful and just generally pissed off that she was so adament on it.


It wasn't really that I didn't think she would do it, I knew that she was and I think that is what got under my skin; is that she knew what she wanted. She really didn't know how to go about it, but she knew that she was going to do it. She had a calling from God she listened and so far she's kicked face following it.


I just want that really badly...to have that drive and absolute knowledge of what needs to be done. And to just know that it's what i'm meant to be doing. What I was literally made to be doing.


But I really don't know what that could be...I mean...is my calling literally to be a social worker? It sounds so lame...I mean...yeah, I want to be a social worker...but I dunno if thats what God's got in store for me. Maybe I'll just end up a house wife helping out in the church community.


I'm not sure. I just want to do his will.

Tonight

*ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 9TH*

I watched Little Women for the first time today, and I don't really know why I had never watched it before. I think I had the impression if was a bunch of women wearing bonnets and frolicking about the countryside of the the wild west.

But I was quite wrong actually.

It was a really enjoyable movie that had the kind of subtle humor that I've always "lol'd" at and of course it was a love story. And quite honestly I'm a sucker for love stories. I just enjoy watching people falling in love and living happily ever after...

But I wouldn't say I necissarily enjoy reading love stories as much. Because then it sometimes becomes really excessive and if it's not written well makes me want to blow my brains off.

I think it's because I want love so much though. And the reason I want love so much probably has to do with the fact that I've read so many love stories...but never the less!

I want love just like every other human being on the planet.

And I know that I'll find it one day, and that when I do...well, I don't really know...I have no idea what the man God's picked out for is going to look like...I have no idea what his personality is like, I have no idea if i've already met him, I have no idea if it's going to be one of those 'love at first sight' deals (though I don't really think that happens) I have no idea if it's going to be a cliched perfect romance, and I don't even know if i'm going to be having a husband with children and grandchildren.

I could die tomorrow and never know the kind of love that a man can give a women or the kind of love a mother can give it's child.

I want to know that love...I really do. But if it's not what God has in store for me then okay by me. Maybe I won't die tomorrow or something, I just may never fall in love and get married.

It's rather sad actually...my want for a human and physical love. God's love for me should be enough, but it isn't. Technically it is. There is no love greater than his and I really don't need anything more than that. But I want something more...

The selfish imperfect human being inside me wants something more.

My Boat Isn't Pretty

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 9TH*

But it's functional and that's all I care about.

Sometimes cracking open a bible is hard for me.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

Nearly all the time cracking open a bible is hard for me.

I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I think i'm above it. Maybe because I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm just scared of what I'll learn.

I've always had problems applying the harder aspects of christianity in my life. Like standing up for what I know is right. Like doing the truely right thing and not just the thing that the world will think is right. Like actually catching a fire and actually keeping it burning.

I'm lukewarm. And I have such a problem with staying hot. I want to...it's not because I don't want to. I just don't want it enough I suppose. But I do want it. There is a side of me that longs to have the relationship that I once had with God before I became filled with bitterness towads my brother.

(It may be hard to believe, but I used to have no real opinion on the matter. It was just normal.)

And I've always faded because I've never taken an initiative and read the Word becuase i've always thought I knew it all. And so little by little the resolve that I had held the week previous began to slip away and I fell back into my black moods and everything in my life felt so wonky. And I know, I knew, and I've known is was for the very reason I didn't study the Bible and I never worried about it.

I'm not saying that from here on out i'm going to read the bible every single day and that i'm going to always get a life changing lesson from it and in a week i'ma be set. Because I know that is silly and will never happen. I know that there will be a lot of times when i'll prolly forget completly to read and I know that there will be a lot of times when i'm not going to get the full idea of what God is trying to convey and that i'm going to be utterly confused sometimes.

I know i'm going to fail, and I know it's going suck sometimes, but I also know that I need to push myself from now on.

Revelation 3:16 So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Grow

*ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST AUGUST 9TH*

Due to lack of internet on Sunday August 8th's update will be posted on August 9th*

So...today our family hosted a cook out for our old church.

Firstly I want to say that I despise saying "old church" because i grew up in that church and all of those people are my family. That is the only church that I've bee to really..my family never jumped around and stuff.

It pains me to say "old church" because even though the people in it might be old and stuff they are my family. The saying "it takes a villiage to raise a child" is really quite true. And it always just reminds me that I don't go there any longer...and it's not like I dint like my new church home, of course I do. But it's just not Living Word.

To me, switching church homes was like graduating from high school to college.

At Living Word we learned the basics. Right from wrong, the classic bible stories and their lessons that God teaches us with them. But eventually...you've "learned" all you can (even though it's impossible to really know everything about God) from that group of people and I stopped being challenged by them. So I had to move up and "graduate" (don't you just love extended metaphores?) and I came to Fairview. And I really am happy. Staying at living word would have been kin to a forty year old man living in his parents basement, comfortable and far to easy.

I Watched You Change

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 4TH 2010*

I accidently did the Enter thing again.

oopsie!

I want to put a playlist player thingy on my blog, but I don't know how to do it. I've looked in the gadgets thingy and I can't find it. hm. Maybe I'll google it later.

After consulting with the boss woman I feel much better...Sometimes you don't realize how absurdly normal your moods and the cycles that we go through are until you look at them in hindsight.

I had a similar funk after I returned from my Mexico missions trip...It lasted like, three years...it was a funk with god and it sucked monkey balls.

It did. But I got out of it and I know that I can get out of this one. I just need to start trying again.

Trying is hard. But i'll do it anyhow. =)

This is Your Lullabye

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 5TH 2010*

The boredom of summer fuels passions far beyond what they should be.


I want to be a good sister to my brother. I want to be a better sister to him than Sarah was to me, and though I can't be a brother, I certainly want to be a better sibling to Josh than Jonathon was to me.

I want to be the matriarch to a large, loving family that is too loud and too close.

I want a husband that loves me .

I want a dog lick my face if i'm crying.

I want to love God with my heart so bared and raw people will become embaressed to witness it.

Can't We Start Again?

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 3RD 2010*

Initially this post was completly blank beacause after I typed in the title I smacked the Enter button in a final manner for some reason and the screen changed to the "Posted" bit, and I was like -_-"

So after much toil (I had to push two whole buttons) i'm ready to get on with the real post.

So. I sent a very long messege to a certain Boss Woman that explained my current feelings that regarded her. See, peeps think that she and I are similar and I guess because of this i've always had a certain attachment to her because if i'm going to be like her when i'm 20 sommat i'm set. Sort of. I guess. But i've always admired her la de da, but I also know that i've let her down.

I've fallen off the wagon I guess you could say.

She once told me that she was confident in my ability and need to forgive my brother etc. And I really wish that I could say that i'm all hunky dory with him...but i'm not. And i've quite honestly hardly even tried.

It's to hard I guess. I don't know where to start...I don't know that I can just...let go of the anger I feel towards him, or rather, I don't know let go of the anger.

But I know that i've completly disregarded her confidence in me and instead chose to be stagnant and stupid. I've kept myself from letting God in, and I'm making him small.

I'm trying to fit him in my pocket, and i'm not letting him do his work...because I know it's possible for me to forgive...I know because when I saw Jonathon for the first time in two years the other day I was genuinly smiling.

I don't remember what I was doing, but he and my mom and Aunt were talking in the visitation room (visitation in jail and prison is completely different. In prison you aren't seperated by a wall of glass, you can actually touch and hug etc) and I was just kind of smiling...I don't know why. Beacuse in all honesty most of the visit was horrible and I wanted to rip his epidermis off because of his idiotic tatoos, and his stupidity and hurtful words. but there was a momen where he was talking with mom and playing Candyland with Caleb when I was smiling. And I caught myself...and it made me wonder if I was going crazy.

a. because I was almost upset with myself for being in the slightest happy to be here b. I was smiling for goodness sake. c. I dunno. I just thought there should be a c.

So...I know there is hope...But I know i've let Sadie down. For so long I did not care. And frankly a part of me still does not care still.

But i'm beginning to thaw I think

Dressed up to Undress

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 2ND 2010*

I don't know what to say.

I think i'm just posting this because I want to beat Kori in her number of posts...even though she is like, nine ahead of me I will prevail!!

I will. ^^

Well, i'm back from NC...and i've been reading to many fanfictions lately.

I'm such a fangirl. but i've tried many a time to give up my addictions, but it's just not working for me so i've prett much given up. I mean, so what? It's not like anybody but my close friends and family know!

I don't go around advertising it, so I don't have to worry about the cute boys finding out or anything. Unless I tell them...and I most likely wont unless they too are dorks or I have no romantic interest in them...or my romantic interest in them is so high that I don't mind letting them know i'm in fact a nerd.

And now that I think on it just about all the guys I know fall under one of those categories...I don't think that's sad though.

Maybe best, yeah?

Beautiful Beautiful

Sometimes I wish I could just capture a singular thought, and then set it free with written words.

Title

Surely i'm the pioneer, but the constelations stay the same.

Get engaged in California

And i'm sad cuz you'll be alone on my bed and tango with daddy and seperate only and smile my only smile.

3rd Measurment in C.

good song...

You do it so I'll be mad

Only you could mark my words.

yay blogs.

So we meet again after several years

Moving on, moving around, we spent this time chasing the others tail.

Well! We are off to Peru soon. in...like..32 hours or so...give or take.

To say i'm excited is a smidge of an understatement.

And to say that it was a smidge of an understatement is a gargantuan understatement.

^^

I'd rather dance with you than talk to you

so...i've said this so many times that i would be a rich little girl if I had a nickel for everytime I said it. BUUUUUUUUT...this time I think that I mean it.

I think I do. Or, rather, this time I think i'm really on the road to recovery.

I'm still angry with him (dilly lolz for silly baby names...i call my nephew that. ^^) sorta because he doens't answer emails and just generally talk to me. But i'm finding that I miss him less and less everyday. Which is certainly good.

I think this year of me seeing him almost never is what I needed. Kind of like...being weaned...from...affection? hehe, thats kind of wierd, but I think it makes sense. So, I'm nearly weaned. And hopefully Peru (which is in like three days!!) will fully make things betterish.

i'm going to get him a b-day present there. but thats just because it's his birthday in july. So i'ma do that. but i'm also getting other peeps stuff.

but anyways. I just wanted to say that. Because I poured myself into that boy, and...sigh, usually when you have a relationship with a guy like that you'd think something other than friendship would come of it, and friendship was all I got. Which sucked...a lot...and it has obviously taken me forever to get over it...like...a year and a half...*cough*

but on a happier note!

I'm listening to this band called Kings of Convenience. and i heart them. because they are really really good, and their voices are nifty. and i'm just kinda happy right now. ^^

With our feet we stomp a cadence for you

I thought I was doing what God wanted. But I don't know. I feel like something is not right and that i'm doing what I need to be doing. I really don't even know what i'm doing now. Because there isn't really anything I am doing. But something is not right.

Maybe it's not even that specifically. It's more like...I'm on a cliff. The open air in front of me and the solid rock behind me. And I know that if I jump now the chances of there being a little shrub growing from the face of the cliff that I can grab onto on the way down to save me. But I know that if i just...do it right the first go around it will be easier.

I dunno. I just feel like where I am is not where I should be. I feel like i'm a triangle trying to fit in a hexagons little space. In the church that is. Because i'm not doing anything.

Yeah, i was an intern for 3 months. and that was for sure the best three months of my life, but now i'm kind of left in the dust.

For some reason people seem to think that i'm so great. well, maybe not so great, but they seem to at least like me. or tolerate me. They come to me with their issues (as a matter of fact i'm having an aim convo with a friend with bff troubles) and they always say that i'm so funny andd blah blah blah an i'm such a help, and i'm so intelligent and blaha blah blah. and di'm like "-_- please shut up before i punch you out" A. becauase i do not take compliments well. i usually make my self look like an ass. B. I get full of myself. and i start thinking 'oh yeah. thats me. the intelligeent "wise" worldly chick who knows whats up with life because my older brother abused me and mistreated my family etc. etc."

And I know that is really foolish. Beacuse I can't go on in life with this mentality, because God has his own plan for me. And if i act like that then I very well may end up disregarding what he has to say and going off on my own.

But I'm kind of going off on a tangent here so let me get back on track and tell you how I came to this revelation.

We had a peru meeting today, and Kori was teaching the Iquitos team the Lifehouse skit. (youtube it if you've never seen it. search Lifehouse- Everything) and I sorta wanted to be the main girl but i didn't really care. I figured Kori would put me where needed, and Cheyanne was cast as the main girl, and then I was kind of likee the second main chick in case maybe cheyanne wasn't there when we werer going to do it. we basically have to sorta know every part in case we have to fill in.

So I sat on the gym floor and watched kori teach cheyanne her parts and stuff. and I just sort of went "...what am I doing?" everybody else was doing something. or atleast they all had parts. And there I was just sitting there. loooking slightly high because I was exhausted and thats just how my face is. but there I was. and i was just..there...not doing anything. And there Kori was. kickin' butt and takin' names.

and there I was. Sitting there watching.

And i'm not going to turn this into a Carpe Diem kind of deal. because I'd say i'm relatively good at carping my diems. it's just when it comes to god i can't finnd my niche. and when kori reads this i'm not really sure how she'll react, but i don't want her tot think i'm bitter or anything. it's just kind of like an observation more or less.

Kori is like the ninja of Riverclub. She does just about everything there, but nobody knows it. and it's beacuse she oesn't ask for thanks, and she doesn't really need justification for what she's "asked" to do. She just does it. Because she knows it needs to be done. And because of this she really has a hand in almost every ministry in Riverclub. And i think thats spectacular. I really do. i'm so proud of her, and I really admire that sh'es able to do all that she does there.

But I feel like I can't compete with it. And I know it's not about competition. It's not. I know that. but I honestly don't think that I can get a good foot hold in the minstrys at Riverclub. Andd it's not because of Kori at all, it's myself because i'll always feel insufficient. It also has to do with the fact that I don't think i'm needed there. Yeah, there are a ton of things that I could be doing. I could be working in the Nursery. I could be a kids quest teacher. I could be an intern. I could be in the music ministry.

The possibilities are endless at Fairview. But I just don't feel like what I do there is what will define me as a christian. I don't feel like thats where I need to be.

Of course i'm not going to up and leave or anything, I know that is where I should be now. But I'm going to be going on to bigger things. Or at least bigger for me. Things that God specifically tailored for me. I'm convinced of that.

I grew up in a small church. forty people, and thats being extremely generous. But I learned the 'basics' of christianity. I learned rightfrom wrong. i learned God loves me, i learned he's there for me, i learned everything I know know now. And then I stopped growing there. So I went to Fairview. and for the first time I was challanged. I was challenged in my faith, not necissarily in what i believe in, but how I should go about believing in it. And I know at some point i'm going to 'out grow' riverclub and i'm going to be where i need to be. i'm completly convinced of this.

I'm not entirely sure how i'm getting there. Or when I will, but it'll happen.

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXPGZLcJB30

Breath Into My Veins

Until only love remains.

So there is this guy.

And i've known him since freshman year...and quite frankly he is that guy who I will always find attractive and charming and all of those other really annoying traits guys sometimes tend to have.

sigh.

And i'm not going to lie, we've been relatively close to dating twice now, but it never really worked out, and i'm actually rather glad. Because he's a bit of a player. And i know this...but i still have a bit of a crush on him...but it's not like, i can't function around him or anything. We're really good friends and we can talk to eachother about a lot of things, serious and really really retarded. it usually leans towards the really really retarded end of the spectrum, but the occasional serious is there. =P

But anyways. Alls i'm saying is, I think he's cute, he thinks i'm cute, he flirts with me, i flirt with him, i'm single, he's not.

And I think that just about sums it up.

heh. ^^

Scenes of you come rushing through you are breaking me down

so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground.



I've been doin' a lot of thinking lately. And it's been about many a thing, but mainly it's been about God...which really isn't all that unusual for me, but this time it's kind of something worth mentioning.

A month or so ago I gave my testimony, and one of the things I said in the beginning of it was that us "youth group children" have it just as hard as the kids that grew up in secular homes and what not. I still stand by that.

But I have this nasty habit of not ever...really listening to what some people say, even if that person is myself.

I said that God can become a kind of wall paper to them. they forget he's there and that he's watching them because he's always been there. so he becomes wall paper; just part of the scenery.

And I warned the people of this, or rather, I stated this...because it was key to my testimony. But even though I was the one that said it, and even though I was the one that wanted people to understand that God will kick you in the face when you least expect it. I. Forgot. It.

And it showed.

The last two weeks has just plain sucked.

It's not even like anything...has happened really to me. There hasn't really been a giant catastrophe that i can think of that's brought me down, it's just sucked.

And this weekend i was thinking on it, and i realized that i hadn't cracked the bible open in ages. (two weeks. funny how that works) and that i hadn't really been praying. and that the music i had been listening to lately had been not necissarily bad, but certainly not good. (I try to keep a healthy balance between secular and non-secular)

But It finally dawned on me that I needed to pull myself together and get with the program.

It sucks to feel...alienated...not even necissarily alienated. but just alone. And all it took for me to fix it was a quick prayer here, another one there, maybe a little bit of RED here and there. Some psalms. it's really not that difficult.

Ad if you think that you can just continue frolicking on in life without your handbook and invisible best friend then your sorely mistaken and your going to be hurting very soon

Holidays are an option for a reason

A couple days ago our band director Mr. Loft announced that he would not be returning next year as the director of bands. It's hard to really imagine band without him...he's so charismatic and what not, and he pulls us all together even when we think we totally suck, he manages to kick us in the butt and we get it done.

When I initially found out I was sad, I still am sad, but I know that he's leaving for good reasons. He lives an hour or so away from the school and he has an eight year old son who needs is dad. I understand that completly. But it's still...hard to think about next year and what it might be like without him.

At first I envisioned it as bleak and desolate because god only knows what kind of director we could get next year. I thought they would completly suck. And i've been carrying around that mentality the last couple days. But yesterday I had a lesson with my tuba teacher, Mr. Gray, and he just really kinda smacked me into shape without even knowing it. He was so excited that I got into Wind Ensemble and that next year was going to be awesome. He knew that Loft was leaving, but he knew that just because he was gone it would be okay.

The band is not about the Director or the one who leads. it's about the music. And yeah, we'll miss him a lot. a lot a lot. But we'll still be making music, And we will still be an awesome band. I don't think any of the current musicians at our school would have it any other way.

"It ain't easy to be good. If it were everybody would be great and they're not." -Andrew Loft

Where have you been?

You know those states of mind when you feel like if only given a chance you could conquere the world with something that you created? That your words could possibly define a single person or even a single moment?

And those unwritten words are just pressing at your heart begging to be let out but you simply can't let them go.

Maybe your afraid to put them down because you don't want to taint the feeling with something that doesn't quite measure up. Or you simply can't put them down because it isn't meant to be put down. It's like an acid burning you up inside but you just can't get it out quite right.

I always find those moments of creative crisis to be the most frustrating. hm. I always said that I don't believe in writers block; that it was just an excuse for not continuing a story or whathave you.

But when I have those times when I feel like what I have to say could potentially be the most beautiful thing ever written but I can't actually say it it's so disheartening. And i'm ashamed to even call myself a writer.

And I actually happen to be going through one of those little "episodes" right now. It usually occurs when i'm sitting in my dimly lit bedroom late at night (if a little past 10 o'clock could even be considered as late at night) while listening to thought provoking music that makes me envy the song writer.

The song i'm listening to on repeat right now for instance is called "Where have you been?" by Manchester Orchestra. and it's a beautiful song. But it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. My favourite lyric is "And when you look at me/I'll be digesting your legs"

Not a lick of sense. But it's my favorite part of the song, you know why? Because I spend hours (exaggeration, but still) thinking about the song and I try to figure out what it means. What the ultimate message the band is trying to convey to the audience. But I don't think it is suppossed to mean anything...but still. I want to know.

And it makes me laugh, beacuse a lot of the time we all over think things. We are so convinced or trained or whatever to believe that everything means something. That every abstract thought is some reflection of our subconscious psyche. Or that Mona Lisa is smileing at something. If only we knew what it was. Or even that this certain tree represents a mothers withering love for blueberries or something equally absurd.

We all are always trying to disect things. And all we ever do is muck things up with all the red tape and suppositions.

sigh. It's rather hard being human ain't it?

The Secret Life of Daydreams

My "bosom friend" Kori, seems to think that us managing our own joint blogs is some kind of competition. She has two posts already, I only one.

Well, she has had her blog longer than mine, so poo on her.

But anywho.

I'm Elizabeth, and i'm currently watching this wierd fanfiction-esque rip off of Pride & Prejudice. It's called "Lost in Austen" and this modern English chick is living her life, just kind of boppin' along (she's obsessed with the book Pride and Prejudice) and somehow Elizabeth Bennet ends up in her bathroom through some kind of portal door thing. And sooooo, Elizabeth tricks Amanda (the English chick) into going into Austens' world, and she stay in Amanda's world.

It's really really funny...because Amanda convinced Mr. Bingly that she is "persuaded by women" rather than men and of course some of the things that Amanda says is just laugh riot in general.

But I digress!

I've never had a blog before. Nor do I really know what i'm supposed to be...blogging about. I don't want to bore you...that is assuming that anybody is even going to read this besides Kori. Probably not. But even so, i'm not sure what I should be saying. And I don't want to ramble, though i'm already on a nice tangent. so i'll stop and talk about something constructive-ish.

I can't seem to think of anything.

Whatever shall I do?