I can't wait to die

I want to be known as the person who had so much to gain but gave it all away.

The title isn't a song lyric, but the line above is. But the title is just to perfect.

Because it's true. I can't wait to die.

I went to a memorial service at my 'old church' (I hate that phrase beacuse I don't consider Living Word to be my old church, they are my family etc.) for one of the elders there. She is actually the mother of Pastor Christine, but anywho, her name was Barbara Howell and when I say elder she really was quite old, she was 89, and that age really may not be old but that woman certainly went through a lot in her life, and most of it I wasn't even aware of until yesterday afternoon.

Lately I've been struggling with the my 'purpose in life' I guess one calls it. I simply don't know what I'm suppossed to do even though I'm assured by friends and family that I'm capable of doing anything I could possibly want to (aren't they suppossed to say that though? =P) but it's not about what I want to do, it's about what I'm suppossed to do.

The duh kind of aspect of what I want to do is...I dunno...be active? I guess one could say?

I don't want to be confined to a life of domesticity. I do want children. I want a lot of them. But I don't know that I want it to be my whole life. I want to go out to the world and proclaim my faith to everyone I can possibly reach before I'm 'tied down'. And I literally yearn for that kind of life....to be living for God and doing his will and knowing and having complete faith in him and his plans for me.

Yesterday at the memorial service everybody who spoke, spoke of Barbara and her willingness to do Gods will. And she was unbelievably succesful. And I just...I want that so bad. I want to be able to just die knowing that I've truly done what I was created for.

And I guess that's why I can't wait to die...because I'm going to do that. I'm going to find my 'purpose' or whatever, and I'm going to follow through with it. And I'm going to punch Satan in the balls with my purpose because he hates it when people do God's will.

So I'm excited. Because I just can't wait...AUGH! I just wnat to live my life right now and do all that janks so I can be done with it!

Sometimes you have to turn down the noise

And turn up the quiet.

Today while I was working I served this elderly-ish woman. She may have been in her early sixties late fifties. And for some reason...when I looked at her I thought "I really hope she is married." so I checked both hands (I have problems with differentiating between left and right. hush.) and come to find out, she wasn't. or at least, there was no ring. And I just became sad for her...not because I feel like you need to be married to have a fulfilled life...but because she seemed so lonely and just...morose inside and I wanted to talk to her and be friendly and what such but I was afraid...

I don't know why I was afraid, or really even of what...at the time I was thinking "social norms social norms social norms" (I mean, really, a 17 year old chickfila employee randomly sits down with an elderly customer. They'd prolly think i'm trying to weasel my way into a trust fund or something.) so it didn't come accross as fear at the time, but I spose that is what it was.

But anywho.

This one lady (for the life of me I can't even recall her name...) got me thinking about everyother individual in the world. And progressively I just became more depressed an depressed because there will always always always be people like her...or if not like her (I don't actually know if this lady was sad and lonely, this is all just an assumption I'm making for myself)then in a bad place in their lives. And all of these desolate souls (I know that sounds corny, but it's not to far from the truth!) will not have anybody to comfort them...maybe someone will notice but brush it off like I did this evening.

And that makes me sad...to know that there are all of these struggling people in the world...I dunno. I guess I just wish I could fix everybody...I know that's not in my power, but someday I hope that I can be a tool in that way...

I also wish I could get my butt in line.

sigh.

So many problems in the world...and there is only one solution!

But I'll make it...I hope. =)

Oh, out here is so-so

You know it's no Colorado.

4kl;;;;;;o9876543eqdik
-yh09l[]

----^ curtesy of Ian. -_-'

Brooke Waggoner. Go look her up and listen to her song So-So. It's really quite good. It has some nice elements to it that I'm not really all that used to. SO it's nice! and definitly not so-so.
(lol)

It's really hard for me to concentrate right now cuz I'm currently listening to it and so I just want to talk about the song. But i'm going to spare you. And also, I've ingested copious amounts of sugar already this morning. And I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop ingesting sugar anytimes soon cuz I like sugar.

But I almost threw out my hip the like, an hour ago. It was quite bizzarr.

I hope I spelled that right.

I order you all to go look at the blog : hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
or suffer the consequences. I've been laughing at Allie for nigh on a week now and she's just really really funny.

Chirstmas is fast approaching...which means I need to go get presents! But also i'm going to be (hopefully) donating blood on Christmas Eve, that is if my mother allows me to. I'm not sure. I haven't asked her yet. (sorry kori) So I better get on that.

I just hope I don't collapse later at work or something. I distinctivilyly (yay spelling!) recall fussing at Sami for donating blood and then proceeding to walking around Costco for no reason and then fainting.

But I do believe that was right after the donation. And there will be a bit of time between donating and work.

So maybe I won't collapse.

=)

this ain't no love song

I just felt like just gettin' my guitar on.

I've always wanted to go to Europe and be in that Romantic and oh-so-beautiful atmosphere...the Old World where all the buildings are old and crumbly with vines ensnaring the thoughts and dreams of past generations and all their forefathers and blah blah blah and all that romantic crap that europe seems to illicit in us Americans.

In reality, Europe looks like everywhere else but with older buildings and with smaller cars. There are tourists everywhere and people that I would never be able to communicate with no matter how many Italian and Greek Podcasts I listen to. And I would ultimatly be dissapointed with the fact that I won't be able to hear the whispers the vines can, and I'll ultimatly be dissapointed with the fact that their are cigarette butts floating in the fountains and i'll be dissapointed in the fact that the pennies I throw in will only get all moldy and green.

So, I'm not quite as enthusiastic in going to Europe. Because I know that I'll be dissapointed. And it's not because Europe isn't a good place. Because I'm sure it is! I'm sure It's a beautiful place with beautiful people, but the Europe I currently harbor in my own thoughts is the one of fairy tales. The perfect one that I know doesn't really exist.

I don't know where this is going...maybe me finally realizing that I need to be more realistic?

Like love! It's overdramatized so much! and yeah! Love feels all fluttery and crap when you first start off! But eventually thats going to stop and you have to make a choice to love someone...you have to strive to keep the relationship going and stuff...or else...you'll never succeed.

And crap.

Give me a reason

Give me a reason to make me smile cuz I think I forgot how.

Sup dawgs?!

I took a three hour long nap a couple of hours ago and I find myself quite unable to sleep. (not that i've tried yet, but I know it's a hopeless endeavour so I may as well stay up watching movie's on Netflix. Good movies, but ones that take a very very very long time to load. So maybe I should have made 'movies' 'movie' instead. But anyhow.)

I really want a tree that hangs over a lake that I could sit on and look off into the distance all romantic and profound. Cuz then maybe I would know what I'm doing. Or at least I'd look like I know what I'm doing (because Hollywood is so good at making a sunset look just like the movies)

And women have our own crosses to bear. And just cuz the Scientific Revolution was dominated by men doesen't mean that they weren't in Germany with their own equipment with their own aspirations that the Royal Society didn't care about.

And thats my dumb tirade of the day.

the secret lives of daydreams

Catullus and E.E. Cummings.

Both not so different from each other, but with two very different styles, but still two of the greatest poets who have ever lived.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Catullus V

Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love,
and let us judge all the rumors of the old men
to be worth just one penny!
The suns are able to fall and rise:
When that brief light has fallen for us,
we must sleep a never ending night.
Give me a thousand kisses, then another hundred,
then another thousand, then a second hundred,
then yet another thousand more, then another hundred.
Then, when we have made many thousands,
we will mix them all up so that we don't know,
and so that no one can be jealous of us when he finds out
how many kisses we have shared.

So vanitys got this new gun she wants to try on you

I have never been so excited for the end of marching band season.

This defintily would have absolutly nothing to do with the fact that our director is a turd and that he is just...a turd.

And thats all I have to say on that matter. (him being a turd that is)

But I really feel like marching band is hindering my growth as an individual/me. I want to start...doing stuff that doesn't involve a forty pound plus instrument on my back and have relationships (not like that) that aren't involved in marching band.

Meaning, I want to start 'branching out' or whatever. start working more. focusing on christ more. and kickin' more A.

^^