So we meet again after several years

Moving on, moving around, we spent this time chasing the others tail.

Well! We are off to Peru soon. in...like..32 hours or so...give or take.

To say i'm excited is a smidge of an understatement.

And to say that it was a smidge of an understatement is a gargantuan understatement.

^^

I'd rather dance with you than talk to you

so...i've said this so many times that i would be a rich little girl if I had a nickel for everytime I said it. BUUUUUUUUT...this time I think that I mean it.

I think I do. Or, rather, this time I think i'm really on the road to recovery.

I'm still angry with him (dilly lolz for silly baby names...i call my nephew that. ^^) sorta because he doens't answer emails and just generally talk to me. But i'm finding that I miss him less and less everyday. Which is certainly good.

I think this year of me seeing him almost never is what I needed. Kind of like...being weaned...from...affection? hehe, thats kind of wierd, but I think it makes sense. So, I'm nearly weaned. And hopefully Peru (which is in like three days!!) will fully make things betterish.

i'm going to get him a b-day present there. but thats just because it's his birthday in july. So i'ma do that. but i'm also getting other peeps stuff.

but anyways. I just wanted to say that. Because I poured myself into that boy, and...sigh, usually when you have a relationship with a guy like that you'd think something other than friendship would come of it, and friendship was all I got. Which sucked...a lot...and it has obviously taken me forever to get over it...like...a year and a half...*cough*

but on a happier note!

I'm listening to this band called Kings of Convenience. and i heart them. because they are really really good, and their voices are nifty. and i'm just kinda happy right now. ^^

With our feet we stomp a cadence for you

I thought I was doing what God wanted. But I don't know. I feel like something is not right and that i'm doing what I need to be doing. I really don't even know what i'm doing now. Because there isn't really anything I am doing. But something is not right.

Maybe it's not even that specifically. It's more like...I'm on a cliff. The open air in front of me and the solid rock behind me. And I know that if I jump now the chances of there being a little shrub growing from the face of the cliff that I can grab onto on the way down to save me. But I know that if i just...do it right the first go around it will be easier.

I dunno. I just feel like where I am is not where I should be. I feel like i'm a triangle trying to fit in a hexagons little space. In the church that is. Because i'm not doing anything.

Yeah, i was an intern for 3 months. and that was for sure the best three months of my life, but now i'm kind of left in the dust.

For some reason people seem to think that i'm so great. well, maybe not so great, but they seem to at least like me. or tolerate me. They come to me with their issues (as a matter of fact i'm having an aim convo with a friend with bff troubles) and they always say that i'm so funny andd blah blah blah an i'm such a help, and i'm so intelligent and blaha blah blah. and di'm like "-_- please shut up before i punch you out" A. becauase i do not take compliments well. i usually make my self look like an ass. B. I get full of myself. and i start thinking 'oh yeah. thats me. the intelligeent "wise" worldly chick who knows whats up with life because my older brother abused me and mistreated my family etc. etc."

And I know that is really foolish. Beacuse I can't go on in life with this mentality, because God has his own plan for me. And if i act like that then I very well may end up disregarding what he has to say and going off on my own.

But I'm kind of going off on a tangent here so let me get back on track and tell you how I came to this revelation.

We had a peru meeting today, and Kori was teaching the Iquitos team the Lifehouse skit. (youtube it if you've never seen it. search Lifehouse- Everything) and I sorta wanted to be the main girl but i didn't really care. I figured Kori would put me where needed, and Cheyanne was cast as the main girl, and then I was kind of likee the second main chick in case maybe cheyanne wasn't there when we werer going to do it. we basically have to sorta know every part in case we have to fill in.

So I sat on the gym floor and watched kori teach cheyanne her parts and stuff. and I just sort of went "...what am I doing?" everybody else was doing something. or atleast they all had parts. And there I was just sitting there. loooking slightly high because I was exhausted and thats just how my face is. but there I was. and i was just..there...not doing anything. And there Kori was. kickin' butt and takin' names.

and there I was. Sitting there watching.

And i'm not going to turn this into a Carpe Diem kind of deal. because I'd say i'm relatively good at carping my diems. it's just when it comes to god i can't finnd my niche. and when kori reads this i'm not really sure how she'll react, but i don't want her tot think i'm bitter or anything. it's just kind of like an observation more or less.

Kori is like the ninja of Riverclub. She does just about everything there, but nobody knows it. and it's beacuse she oesn't ask for thanks, and she doesn't really need justification for what she's "asked" to do. She just does it. Because she knows it needs to be done. And because of this she really has a hand in almost every ministry in Riverclub. And i think thats spectacular. I really do. i'm so proud of her, and I really admire that sh'es able to do all that she does there.

But I feel like I can't compete with it. And I know it's not about competition. It's not. I know that. but I honestly don't think that I can get a good foot hold in the minstrys at Riverclub. Andd it's not because of Kori at all, it's myself because i'll always feel insufficient. It also has to do with the fact that I don't think i'm needed there. Yeah, there are a ton of things that I could be doing. I could be working in the Nursery. I could be a kids quest teacher. I could be an intern. I could be in the music ministry.

The possibilities are endless at Fairview. But I just don't feel like what I do there is what will define me as a christian. I don't feel like thats where I need to be.

Of course i'm not going to up and leave or anything, I know that is where I should be now. But I'm going to be going on to bigger things. Or at least bigger for me. Things that God specifically tailored for me. I'm convinced of that.

I grew up in a small church. forty people, and thats being extremely generous. But I learned the 'basics' of christianity. I learned rightfrom wrong. i learned God loves me, i learned he's there for me, i learned everything I know know now. And then I stopped growing there. So I went to Fairview. and for the first time I was challanged. I was challenged in my faith, not necissarily in what i believe in, but how I should go about believing in it. And I know at some point i'm going to 'out grow' riverclub and i'm going to be where i need to be. i'm completly convinced of this.

I'm not entirely sure how i'm getting there. Or when I will, but it'll happen.

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXPGZLcJB30

Breath Into My Veins

Until only love remains.

So there is this guy.

And i've known him since freshman year...and quite frankly he is that guy who I will always find attractive and charming and all of those other really annoying traits guys sometimes tend to have.

sigh.

And i'm not going to lie, we've been relatively close to dating twice now, but it never really worked out, and i'm actually rather glad. Because he's a bit of a player. And i know this...but i still have a bit of a crush on him...but it's not like, i can't function around him or anything. We're really good friends and we can talk to eachother about a lot of things, serious and really really retarded. it usually leans towards the really really retarded end of the spectrum, but the occasional serious is there. =P

But anyways. Alls i'm saying is, I think he's cute, he thinks i'm cute, he flirts with me, i flirt with him, i'm single, he's not.

And I think that just about sums it up.

heh. ^^

Scenes of you come rushing through you are breaking me down

so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground.



I've been doin' a lot of thinking lately. And it's been about many a thing, but mainly it's been about God...which really isn't all that unusual for me, but this time it's kind of something worth mentioning.

A month or so ago I gave my testimony, and one of the things I said in the beginning of it was that us "youth group children" have it just as hard as the kids that grew up in secular homes and what not. I still stand by that.

But I have this nasty habit of not ever...really listening to what some people say, even if that person is myself.

I said that God can become a kind of wall paper to them. they forget he's there and that he's watching them because he's always been there. so he becomes wall paper; just part of the scenery.

And I warned the people of this, or rather, I stated this...because it was key to my testimony. But even though I was the one that said it, and even though I was the one that wanted people to understand that God will kick you in the face when you least expect it. I. Forgot. It.

And it showed.

The last two weeks has just plain sucked.

It's not even like anything...has happened really to me. There hasn't really been a giant catastrophe that i can think of that's brought me down, it's just sucked.

And this weekend i was thinking on it, and i realized that i hadn't cracked the bible open in ages. (two weeks. funny how that works) and that i hadn't really been praying. and that the music i had been listening to lately had been not necissarily bad, but certainly not good. (I try to keep a healthy balance between secular and non-secular)

But It finally dawned on me that I needed to pull myself together and get with the program.

It sucks to feel...alienated...not even necissarily alienated. but just alone. And all it took for me to fix it was a quick prayer here, another one there, maybe a little bit of RED here and there. Some psalms. it's really not that difficult.

Ad if you think that you can just continue frolicking on in life without your handbook and invisible best friend then your sorely mistaken and your going to be hurting very soon