I have never been so excited for the end of marching band season.
This defintily would have absolutly nothing to do with the fact that our director is a turd and that he is just...a turd.
And thats all I have to say on that matter. (him being a turd that is)
But I really feel like marching band is hindering my growth as an individual/me. I want to start...doing stuff that doesn't involve a forty pound plus instrument on my back and have relationships (not like that) that aren't involved in marching band.
Meaning, I want to start 'branching out' or whatever. start working more. focusing on christ more. and kickin' more A.
^^
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
life inside the music box ain't easy
Next time I go on a missions trip or some kind of market where people who are less fortunate than I are selling their wares and the prices are negotiable I won't talk them down.
It seems so wrong and hypocritical. Especially if one is there as a missionary.
We are suppossed to go there with open hearts and be willing to give spiritually and what not, but as soon as we hit the market place/tourist areas we begin to act as such and are penny pinchers bound and determined to haggle to our hearts content.
I used to be somewhat proud of my haggling skills. Or at least impressed with myself that I could expose a seedy looking man for the kind of crooked business man he was for charging me three fold what it was worth.
But in reality what I was doing was hardening my own heart, but also theirs. They have to jack up the prices because they know that haggling will occur and lower said price, so they have to keep it up high originally to make at least some profit. And it's hardening my heart as well...you start to look down on them...thinking them to be greedy nasty people who only want our money...and it makes me so angry with myself for thinking that...I didn't necissarily think those exact thoughts...but sometimes, rather, a lot of the times we formulate impressions and opinions of people around us without really giving a second thought to it.
But anyways.
The next time I go to Peru. Or Cambodia (I'm looking into that trip...) i'm not going to haggle.
Yeah, buying people souvenirs from foreign lands is all fine and dandy, but I as a missionary am not there to shop and be a tourist. I'm there to show people the love of God and be giving in all aspects of myself.
It seems so wrong and hypocritical. Especially if one is there as a missionary.
We are suppossed to go there with open hearts and be willing to give spiritually and what not, but as soon as we hit the market place/tourist areas we begin to act as such and are penny pinchers bound and determined to haggle to our hearts content.
I used to be somewhat proud of my haggling skills. Or at least impressed with myself that I could expose a seedy looking man for the kind of crooked business man he was for charging me three fold what it was worth.
But in reality what I was doing was hardening my own heart, but also theirs. They have to jack up the prices because they know that haggling will occur and lower said price, so they have to keep it up high originally to make at least some profit. And it's hardening my heart as well...you start to look down on them...thinking them to be greedy nasty people who only want our money...and it makes me so angry with myself for thinking that...I didn't necissarily think those exact thoughts...but sometimes, rather, a lot of the times we formulate impressions and opinions of people around us without really giving a second thought to it.
But anyways.
The next time I go to Peru. Or Cambodia (I'm looking into that trip...) i'm not going to haggle.
Yeah, buying people souvenirs from foreign lands is all fine and dandy, but I as a missionary am not there to shop and be a tourist. I'm there to show people the love of God and be giving in all aspects of myself.
When my spirit grows faint
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 6TH 2010*
within me it is you who knows my way. Psalms 142:3
Psalms counts as song lyrics. =)
So tomorrow starts my senior year. And...hm. Like. I feel calm and collected...but there is a little Elizabeth running round in my head screaming her butt off about how i'm a senior and i'm oh so excited and oh em gee next year i'll be in college (except not really because i'll still be at home in a basement room with a washer and dryer accros the hall (if i were male that would be really sad))
But I really don't want to listen to that Elizabeth, because I find her extremely annoying as would the rest of the population of the world. (I can not count how many of my fellow seniors have updated stati that sound similar to that crazy mini Elizabeth. They need to find their inner monologue and quickly)
So I don't really want to dwell upon that.
But I am in fact dwelling upon my hair (I swear to you it shall be the bane of my existence)
I got it cut on saturday, and I liked it. it's like short and crap now. But with shortness comes wavyness, but i think it looks kinda cute like that. so I don't mind it all that much. but i thought that I would straighten it tonight, and then tomorrow it have some wave, but still be straight..ish.
well, i dunno that I like it. It's too straight...it's bizzar. (I never know if I spell that right) and I dunno that it's going to look very good.
well. Kori introduced me to this youtube channel called vlogbrothers that i'm thoroughly enjoying.
My fav so far is Looking for Alaska in my high school.
it was rather well put together and done.
and with that i'm going to continue to not sleep and go watch more vlogs. ^^
within me it is you who knows my way. Psalms 142:3
Psalms counts as song lyrics. =)
So tomorrow starts my senior year. And...hm. Like. I feel calm and collected...but there is a little Elizabeth running round in my head screaming her butt off about how i'm a senior and i'm oh so excited and oh em gee next year i'll be in college (except not really because i'll still be at home in a basement room with a washer and dryer accros the hall (if i were male that would be really sad))
But I really don't want to listen to that Elizabeth, because I find her extremely annoying as would the rest of the population of the world. (I can not count how many of my fellow seniors have updated stati that sound similar to that crazy mini Elizabeth. They need to find their inner monologue and quickly)
So I don't really want to dwell upon that.
But I am in fact dwelling upon my hair (I swear to you it shall be the bane of my existence)
I got it cut on saturday, and I liked it. it's like short and crap now. But with shortness comes wavyness, but i think it looks kinda cute like that. so I don't mind it all that much. but i thought that I would straighten it tonight, and then tomorrow it have some wave, but still be straight..ish.
well, i dunno that I like it. It's too straight...it's bizzar. (I never know if I spell that right) and I dunno that it's going to look very good.
well. Kori introduced me to this youtube channel called vlogbrothers that i'm thoroughly enjoying.
My fav so far is Looking for Alaska in my high school.
it was rather well put together and done.
and with that i'm going to continue to not sleep and go watch more vlogs. ^^
Go easy on me
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 15TH 2010*
I can't help what I'm doing.
I've wrestled with what i've wanted this blog post to be about today. There are so many topics that I could hit, some more interesting than others, that I honestly don't know which to go to.
so, maybe i'll just list them off and elaborate when I feel like it.
A.)I'm kind of...put out that a certain someone brought another certain ex-gf to 180 tonight. Okay, so the certain someone didn't bring her, but she was there, and looking raher...clingy...
But it's whatever.
I have a crush on him, but it's not serious. Puppy love is what you would call it I suppose. I'm not saying it doesn't suck to see him with his ex, which in reality may mean absolutly nothing at all, but it is what it is.
B.) I'm really pissed off about this whole mosque in ground zero deal. I wrote a lot today about it for this post but i've decided to forgo my insane rant for some other time.
Maybe once band camp has started and i'm feeling lazy i'll post it.
C.) My siblings are weighing more on my mind. Meaning i'm beginning to wish more often that my sister and I had a better relationship (it's really all my fault). I'm wishing that Jonathon had been a good older brother to me. I'm also wishing that he would just go away. And i'm also hoping that Josh see's me as a good older sister. One that he can come to and talk to about the important things in life as well as the not so important things in life.
D.) I'm trying to focus a lot more on my relationships with people. I'm trying to be more open and willing with my life and I want people to feel like they won't be judged in my presence. I'm not perfect and I'm not Jesus where i'm completly accepting and all that jazz, but when I meet people I try to keep an open mind and look past quirks and flaws and what not. I just want people to know that they can depend upon me. If i'm going to be a social worker than peeps will have to do that anyhow, and I want them to do it willingly
But back to the original point.
I'm trying hard to be a good friend and to really start to care not only about my friends and family but be open and loving to the people that I don't really know.
So yeah...My brain is pretty fried from thtis weekend so I'm going to hit the hay. =)
I can't help what I'm doing.
I've wrestled with what i've wanted this blog post to be about today. There are so many topics that I could hit, some more interesting than others, that I honestly don't know which to go to.
so, maybe i'll just list them off and elaborate when I feel like it.
A.)I'm kind of...put out that a certain someone brought another certain ex-gf to 180 tonight. Okay, so the certain someone didn't bring her, but she was there, and looking raher...clingy...
But it's whatever.
I have a crush on him, but it's not serious. Puppy love is what you would call it I suppose. I'm not saying it doesn't suck to see him with his ex, which in reality may mean absolutly nothing at all, but it is what it is.
B.) I'm really pissed off about this whole mosque in ground zero deal. I wrote a lot today about it for this post but i've decided to forgo my insane rant for some other time.
Maybe once band camp has started and i'm feeling lazy i'll post it.
C.) My siblings are weighing more on my mind. Meaning i'm beginning to wish more often that my sister and I had a better relationship (it's really all my fault). I'm wishing that Jonathon had been a good older brother to me. I'm also wishing that he would just go away. And i'm also hoping that Josh see's me as a good older sister. One that he can come to and talk to about the important things in life as well as the not so important things in life.
D.) I'm trying to focus a lot more on my relationships with people. I'm trying to be more open and willing with my life and I want people to feel like they won't be judged in my presence. I'm not perfect and I'm not Jesus where i'm completly accepting and all that jazz, but when I meet people I try to keep an open mind and look past quirks and flaws and what not. I just want people to know that they can depend upon me. If i'm going to be a social worker than peeps will have to do that anyhow, and I want them to do it willingly
But back to the original point.
I'm trying hard to be a good friend and to really start to care not only about my friends and family but be open and loving to the people that I don't really know.
So yeah...My brain is pretty fried from thtis weekend so I'm going to hit the hay. =)
Don't look at me that way
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 13 2010*
Cuz I'll be hanging from a rope and I will haunt you like a ghost.
I really like this band "Margot and the nuclear so & so's".
Their songs are usually really profound or completly nonsensical. This one is rather profound...ish. Broad Ripple is Burning is what it's called. I seriously recomend it. The guitar in the back ground is rather haunting as are the back ground vocals, and the lead singer himself is pretty good as well.
But I really like their style, they are considered indie I think...but I'm not sure. I also like "cheap motel room" and that one is about a one night stand i think...well, maybe not a one night stand because they singer makes indications that he would like to have a legit relationship with her. But i'm just saying, I like the song. ^^
I love music. I do I do I do.
It's amazing to me psychologically musics connotations and effects it has on us.
For example, the piano song "river flows in you" by yiruma can be universally awknoledged as a beautiful and heartfelt song that leaves the listener yearning for something (at least it does me)
Whereas a song like "California Girls" or something may compel you to jump around like a crazy person dancing.
I've always just found it intrigueing because I wonder as humans are we conditioned by society to react that way or if we did a specific study with babies that are raised away from normal civilization could be conditioned to act the complete opposite to those songs.
But I think that may be inhuman or something since we are alienating people from the world...
Darn those pesky laws!!
Cuz I'll be hanging from a rope and I will haunt you like a ghost.
I really like this band "Margot and the nuclear so & so's".
Their songs are usually really profound or completly nonsensical. This one is rather profound...ish. Broad Ripple is Burning is what it's called. I seriously recomend it. The guitar in the back ground is rather haunting as are the back ground vocals, and the lead singer himself is pretty good as well.
But I really like their style, they are considered indie I think...but I'm not sure. I also like "cheap motel room" and that one is about a one night stand i think...well, maybe not a one night stand because they singer makes indications that he would like to have a legit relationship with her. But i'm just saying, I like the song. ^^
I love music. I do I do I do.
It's amazing to me psychologically musics connotations and effects it has on us.
For example, the piano song "river flows in you" by yiruma can be universally awknoledged as a beautiful and heartfelt song that leaves the listener yearning for something (at least it does me)
Whereas a song like "California Girls" or something may compel you to jump around like a crazy person dancing.
I've always just found it intrigueing because I wonder as humans are we conditioned by society to react that way or if we did a specific study with babies that are raised away from normal civilization could be conditioned to act the complete opposite to those songs.
But I think that may be inhuman or something since we are alienating people from the world...
Darn those pesky laws!!
Hello Fascination
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 12TH 2010*
I'm writing this during a storm, and I'll say that i love having a porch in these situations.
The storm reminded me of the monsoons in Iquitos. The drops were large and heavy, and they came and went so fast. I also recalled when Mary slipped and fell in one of the rivers that the houses of Belen are on. They were on a small motoro boat and needed to take refuge from one of the monsoons and in the process of gettin from boat to floating house she slipped and fell waist high in the river. Heh, that was a rather interesting story to hear.
But even when it was raining there was this epic game of futbol going on. It was all muddy and they dudes were just out there kicking some serious face. And the contrast between Rauls front porch and my front porch is what really struck me...mine is a relatively well groomed yard with trees all around and gardens and what not, and theirs was literally sitting on top of a cesspool of mud, feces, trash and worms. There was hardly any grass and the grass that was there was either taller than me or so short it looked like bristles.
I also remember showing some of the children my niece and nephew, and at first they thought they were my children! But i quickly corrected them and said "hermanos niños, hermanos ninas" and they all looked so excited to see the pictures. I showed them pictures of my pool and my house...But a moment that I don't think i'll ever forget is on the first full day I was in Belen, which was Monday, I was wearing my green bra and black tank top, and by now the straps of my bra had gotten really dirty, and they were just coated wih sweat and dirt, and I remember one of the girls my age telling me she thought it was "Bonita" and I dunno why...but it just struck me that even though my garment was mucked up and dirty she still desired it. It was like she knew the potential the bra could have in beauty (work with me here) and she was willing to look past the dirt and grime.And isn't thT basically what we as Christians are supposed to do? To look past peoples flaws and shortcomings but still say "You are bonita. You are beautiful" and not care.
Sometimes I feel that even the youngest child down there was wiser than I.
I'm writing this during a storm, and I'll say that i love having a porch in these situations.
The storm reminded me of the monsoons in Iquitos. The drops were large and heavy, and they came and went so fast. I also recalled when Mary slipped and fell in one of the rivers that the houses of Belen are on. They were on a small motoro boat and needed to take refuge from one of the monsoons and in the process of gettin from boat to floating house she slipped and fell waist high in the river. Heh, that was a rather interesting story to hear.
But even when it was raining there was this epic game of futbol going on. It was all muddy and they dudes were just out there kicking some serious face. And the contrast between Rauls front porch and my front porch is what really struck me...mine is a relatively well groomed yard with trees all around and gardens and what not, and theirs was literally sitting on top of a cesspool of mud, feces, trash and worms. There was hardly any grass and the grass that was there was either taller than me or so short it looked like bristles.
I also remember showing some of the children my niece and nephew, and at first they thought they were my children! But i quickly corrected them and said "hermanos niños, hermanos ninas" and they all looked so excited to see the pictures. I showed them pictures of my pool and my house...But a moment that I don't think i'll ever forget is on the first full day I was in Belen, which was Monday, I was wearing my green bra and black tank top, and by now the straps of my bra had gotten really dirty, and they were just coated wih sweat and dirt, and I remember one of the girls my age telling me she thought it was "Bonita" and I dunno why...but it just struck me that even though my garment was mucked up and dirty she still desired it. It was like she knew the potential the bra could have in beauty (work with me here) and she was willing to look past the dirt and grime.And isn't thT basically what we as Christians are supposed to do? To look past peoples flaws and shortcomings but still say "You are bonita. You are beautiful" and not care.
Sometimes I feel that even the youngest child down there was wiser than I.
Build a turtle fence!
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 11TH 2010*
Sooo...me luverly friend Amanda MccccAllister suggested this as a title because it is an awesome song about turtles in Michigan that need turtle fences to be protected from the cars.
But today I worked for five hours and I was with Amanda Smith, and I will say that I love her to death. We muddled through a couple orders until finally kickin' it into high gear and we rocked out the register allll day long.
I don't know why i'm talking like that. hm....oh well.
Soo....i'm a bit worried that Marching Band will be a disaster because a.) I've not practiced at all this summer. At all. Ever. This summer. b.) we have a new director c.) I never seem to be able to think of a C...
but i'ma be in Wind Ensemble and I don't want to epicly failboat and suck. Because a.) I don't want to let myself down b.) I don't want to let Mr. Gray down and C.) (hey I actually have one!!) I auditioned for it so i ought to be good enough.
Kori, fyi, I'm catching up.
And Arnold Palmers will soon be learnt, and I shall be kickin' they's butts.
So watch it girl. Cuz i'ma get it.
Sooo...me luverly friend Amanda MccccAllister suggested this as a title because it is an awesome song about turtles in Michigan that need turtle fences to be protected from the cars.
But today I worked for five hours and I was with Amanda Smith, and I will say that I love her to death. We muddled through a couple orders until finally kickin' it into high gear and we rocked out the register allll day long.
I don't know why i'm talking like that. hm....oh well.
Soo....i'm a bit worried that Marching Band will be a disaster because a.) I've not practiced at all this summer. At all. Ever. This summer. b.) we have a new director c.) I never seem to be able to think of a C...
but i'ma be in Wind Ensemble and I don't want to epicly failboat and suck. Because a.) I don't want to let myself down b.) I don't want to let Mr. Gray down and C.) (hey I actually have one!!) I auditioned for it so i ought to be good enough.
Kori, fyi, I'm catching up.
And Arnold Palmers will soon be learnt, and I shall be kickin' they's butts.
So watch it girl. Cuz i'ma get it.
Everybody here is trying on new faces
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 10TH 2010*
And with a shining new beginning we cordially invite you to the dressing room.
Today I went to Pitts Pond!! I haven't been there since I was about 7 or 8 or something, and I enjoyed it thirty times more than I did last time. (prolly cuz I could actually do all of the things I couldn't before.)
But on the way there I road with Cheyanne and Betheny. (Josh was there but he doesn't really count. ^^)
But I had heard that she was planning another trip to Iquitos in December. And I was just blown away that she was following through with her claims.
When we were actually in Peru she really just got under my skin. I think because of the whole Becca thing and just her constant and incssent flirtations with Josue and her need to be the center of attention. And when she went on about her plans I was really doubtful and just generally pissed off that she was so adament on it.
It wasn't really that I didn't think she would do it, I knew that she was and I think that is what got under my skin; is that she knew what she wanted. She really didn't know how to go about it, but she knew that she was going to do it. She had a calling from God she listened and so far she's kicked face following it.
I just want that really badly...to have that drive and absolute knowledge of what needs to be done. And to just know that it's what i'm meant to be doing. What I was literally made to be doing.
But I really don't know what that could be...I mean...is my calling literally to be a social worker? It sounds so lame...I mean...yeah, I want to be a social worker...but I dunno if thats what God's got in store for me. Maybe I'll just end up a house wife helping out in the church community.
I'm not sure. I just want to do his will.
And with a shining new beginning we cordially invite you to the dressing room.
Today I went to Pitts Pond!! I haven't been there since I was about 7 or 8 or something, and I enjoyed it thirty times more than I did last time. (prolly cuz I could actually do all of the things I couldn't before.)
But on the way there I road with Cheyanne and Betheny. (Josh was there but he doesn't really count. ^^)
But I had heard that she was planning another trip to Iquitos in December. And I was just blown away that she was following through with her claims.
When we were actually in Peru she really just got under my skin. I think because of the whole Becca thing and just her constant and incssent flirtations with Josue and her need to be the center of attention. And when she went on about her plans I was really doubtful and just generally pissed off that she was so adament on it.
It wasn't really that I didn't think she would do it, I knew that she was and I think that is what got under my skin; is that she knew what she wanted. She really didn't know how to go about it, but she knew that she was going to do it. She had a calling from God she listened and so far she's kicked face following it.
I just want that really badly...to have that drive and absolute knowledge of what needs to be done. And to just know that it's what i'm meant to be doing. What I was literally made to be doing.
But I really don't know what that could be...I mean...is my calling literally to be a social worker? It sounds so lame...I mean...yeah, I want to be a social worker...but I dunno if thats what God's got in store for me. Maybe I'll just end up a house wife helping out in the church community.
I'm not sure. I just want to do his will.
Tonight
*ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 9TH*
I watched Little Women for the first time today, and I don't really know why I had never watched it before. I think I had the impression if was a bunch of women wearing bonnets and frolicking about the countryside of the the wild west.
But I was quite wrong actually.
It was a really enjoyable movie that had the kind of subtle humor that I've always "lol'd" at and of course it was a love story. And quite honestly I'm a sucker for love stories. I just enjoy watching people falling in love and living happily ever after...
But I wouldn't say I necissarily enjoy reading love stories as much. Because then it sometimes becomes really excessive and if it's not written well makes me want to blow my brains off.
I think it's because I want love so much though. And the reason I want love so much probably has to do with the fact that I've read so many love stories...but never the less!
I want love just like every other human being on the planet.
And I know that I'll find it one day, and that when I do...well, I don't really know...I have no idea what the man God's picked out for is going to look like...I have no idea what his personality is like, I have no idea if i've already met him, I have no idea if it's going to be one of those 'love at first sight' deals (though I don't really think that happens) I have no idea if it's going to be a cliched perfect romance, and I don't even know if i'm going to be having a husband with children and grandchildren.
I could die tomorrow and never know the kind of love that a man can give a women or the kind of love a mother can give it's child.
I want to know that love...I really do. But if it's not what God has in store for me then okay by me. Maybe I won't die tomorrow or something, I just may never fall in love and get married.
It's rather sad actually...my want for a human and physical love. God's love for me should be enough, but it isn't. Technically it is. There is no love greater than his and I really don't need anything more than that. But I want something more...
The selfish imperfect human being inside me wants something more.
I watched Little Women for the first time today, and I don't really know why I had never watched it before. I think I had the impression if was a bunch of women wearing bonnets and frolicking about the countryside of the the wild west.
But I was quite wrong actually.
It was a really enjoyable movie that had the kind of subtle humor that I've always "lol'd" at and of course it was a love story. And quite honestly I'm a sucker for love stories. I just enjoy watching people falling in love and living happily ever after...
But I wouldn't say I necissarily enjoy reading love stories as much. Because then it sometimes becomes really excessive and if it's not written well makes me want to blow my brains off.
I think it's because I want love so much though. And the reason I want love so much probably has to do with the fact that I've read so many love stories...but never the less!
I want love just like every other human being on the planet.
And I know that I'll find it one day, and that when I do...well, I don't really know...I have no idea what the man God's picked out for is going to look like...I have no idea what his personality is like, I have no idea if i've already met him, I have no idea if it's going to be one of those 'love at first sight' deals (though I don't really think that happens) I have no idea if it's going to be a cliched perfect romance, and I don't even know if i'm going to be having a husband with children and grandchildren.
I could die tomorrow and never know the kind of love that a man can give a women or the kind of love a mother can give it's child.
I want to know that love...I really do. But if it's not what God has in store for me then okay by me. Maybe I won't die tomorrow or something, I just may never fall in love and get married.
It's rather sad actually...my want for a human and physical love. God's love for me should be enough, but it isn't. Technically it is. There is no love greater than his and I really don't need anything more than that. But I want something more...
The selfish imperfect human being inside me wants something more.
My Boat Isn't Pretty
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 9TH*
But it's functional and that's all I care about.
Sometimes cracking open a bible is hard for me.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
Nearly all the time cracking open a bible is hard for me.
I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I think i'm above it. Maybe because I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm just scared of what I'll learn.
I've always had problems applying the harder aspects of christianity in my life. Like standing up for what I know is right. Like doing the truely right thing and not just the thing that the world will think is right. Like actually catching a fire and actually keeping it burning.
I'm lukewarm. And I have such a problem with staying hot. I want to...it's not because I don't want to. I just don't want it enough I suppose. But I do want it. There is a side of me that longs to have the relationship that I once had with God before I became filled with bitterness towads my brother.
(It may be hard to believe, but I used to have no real opinion on the matter. It was just normal.)
And I've always faded because I've never taken an initiative and read the Word becuase i've always thought I knew it all. And so little by little the resolve that I had held the week previous began to slip away and I fell back into my black moods and everything in my life felt so wonky. And I know, I knew, and I've known is was for the very reason I didn't study the Bible and I never worried about it.
I'm not saying that from here on out i'm going to read the bible every single day and that i'm going to always get a life changing lesson from it and in a week i'ma be set. Because I know that is silly and will never happen. I know that there will be a lot of times when i'll prolly forget completly to read and I know that there will be a lot of times when i'm not going to get the full idea of what God is trying to convey and that i'm going to be utterly confused sometimes.
I know i'm going to fail, and I know it's going suck sometimes, but I also know that I need to push myself from now on.
Revelation 3:16 So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
But it's functional and that's all I care about.
Sometimes cracking open a bible is hard for me.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
Nearly all the time cracking open a bible is hard for me.
I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I think i'm above it. Maybe because I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm just scared of what I'll learn.
I've always had problems applying the harder aspects of christianity in my life. Like standing up for what I know is right. Like doing the truely right thing and not just the thing that the world will think is right. Like actually catching a fire and actually keeping it burning.
I'm lukewarm. And I have such a problem with staying hot. I want to...it's not because I don't want to. I just don't want it enough I suppose. But I do want it. There is a side of me that longs to have the relationship that I once had with God before I became filled with bitterness towads my brother.
(It may be hard to believe, but I used to have no real opinion on the matter. It was just normal.)
And I've always faded because I've never taken an initiative and read the Word becuase i've always thought I knew it all. And so little by little the resolve that I had held the week previous began to slip away and I fell back into my black moods and everything in my life felt so wonky. And I know, I knew, and I've known is was for the very reason I didn't study the Bible and I never worried about it.
I'm not saying that from here on out i'm going to read the bible every single day and that i'm going to always get a life changing lesson from it and in a week i'ma be set. Because I know that is silly and will never happen. I know that there will be a lot of times when i'll prolly forget completly to read and I know that there will be a lot of times when i'm not going to get the full idea of what God is trying to convey and that i'm going to be utterly confused sometimes.
I know i'm going to fail, and I know it's going suck sometimes, but I also know that I need to push myself from now on.
Revelation 3:16 So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
Grow
*ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST AUGUST 9TH*
Due to lack of internet on Sunday August 8th's update will be posted on August 9th*
So...today our family hosted a cook out for our old church.
Firstly I want to say that I despise saying "old church" because i grew up in that church and all of those people are my family. That is the only church that I've bee to really..my family never jumped around and stuff.
It pains me to say "old church" because even though the people in it might be old and stuff they are my family. The saying "it takes a villiage to raise a child" is really quite true. And it always just reminds me that I don't go there any longer...and it's not like I dint like my new church home, of course I do. But it's just not Living Word.
To me, switching church homes was like graduating from high school to college.
At Living Word we learned the basics. Right from wrong, the classic bible stories and their lessons that God teaches us with them. But eventually...you've "learned" all you can (even though it's impossible to really know everything about God) from that group of people and I stopped being challenged by them. So I had to move up and "graduate" (don't you just love extended metaphores?) and I came to Fairview. And I really am happy. Staying at living word would have been kin to a forty year old man living in his parents basement, comfortable and far to easy.
Due to lack of internet on Sunday August 8th's update will be posted on August 9th*
So...today our family hosted a cook out for our old church.
Firstly I want to say that I despise saying "old church" because i grew up in that church and all of those people are my family. That is the only church that I've bee to really..my family never jumped around and stuff.
It pains me to say "old church" because even though the people in it might be old and stuff they are my family. The saying "it takes a villiage to raise a child" is really quite true. And it always just reminds me that I don't go there any longer...and it's not like I dint like my new church home, of course I do. But it's just not Living Word.
To me, switching church homes was like graduating from high school to college.
At Living Word we learned the basics. Right from wrong, the classic bible stories and their lessons that God teaches us with them. But eventually...you've "learned" all you can (even though it's impossible to really know everything about God) from that group of people and I stopped being challenged by them. So I had to move up and "graduate" (don't you just love extended metaphores?) and I came to Fairview. And I really am happy. Staying at living word would have been kin to a forty year old man living in his parents basement, comfortable and far to easy.
I Watched You Change
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 4TH 2010*
I accidently did the Enter thing again.
oopsie!
I want to put a playlist player thingy on my blog, but I don't know how to do it. I've looked in the gadgets thingy and I can't find it. hm. Maybe I'll google it later.
After consulting with the boss woman I feel much better...Sometimes you don't realize how absurdly normal your moods and the cycles that we go through are until you look at them in hindsight.
I had a similar funk after I returned from my Mexico missions trip...It lasted like, three years...it was a funk with god and it sucked monkey balls.
It did. But I got out of it and I know that I can get out of this one. I just need to start trying again.
Trying is hard. But i'll do it anyhow. =)
I accidently did the Enter thing again.
oopsie!
I want to put a playlist player thingy on my blog, but I don't know how to do it. I've looked in the gadgets thingy and I can't find it. hm. Maybe I'll google it later.
After consulting with the boss woman I feel much better...Sometimes you don't realize how absurdly normal your moods and the cycles that we go through are until you look at them in hindsight.
I had a similar funk after I returned from my Mexico missions trip...It lasted like, three years...it was a funk with god and it sucked monkey balls.
It did. But I got out of it and I know that I can get out of this one. I just need to start trying again.
Trying is hard. But i'll do it anyhow. =)
This is Your Lullabye
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 5TH 2010*
The boredom of summer fuels passions far beyond what they should be.
I want to be a good sister to my brother. I want to be a better sister to him than Sarah was to me, and though I can't be a brother, I certainly want to be a better sibling to Josh than Jonathon was to me.
I want to be the matriarch to a large, loving family that is too loud and too close.
I want a husband that loves me .
I want a dog lick my face if i'm crying.
I want to love God with my heart so bared and raw people will become embaressed to witness it.
The boredom of summer fuels passions far beyond what they should be.
I want to be a good sister to my brother. I want to be a better sister to him than Sarah was to me, and though I can't be a brother, I certainly want to be a better sibling to Josh than Jonathon was to me.
I want to be the matriarch to a large, loving family that is too loud and too close.
I want a husband that loves me .
I want a dog lick my face if i'm crying.
I want to love God with my heart so bared and raw people will become embaressed to witness it.
Can't We Start Again?
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 3RD 2010*
Initially this post was completly blank beacause after I typed in the title I smacked the Enter button in a final manner for some reason and the screen changed to the "Posted" bit, and I was like -_-"
So after much toil (I had to push two whole buttons) i'm ready to get on with the real post.
So. I sent a very long messege to a certain Boss Woman that explained my current feelings that regarded her. See, peeps think that she and I are similar and I guess because of this i've always had a certain attachment to her because if i'm going to be like her when i'm 20 sommat i'm set. Sort of. I guess. But i've always admired her la de da, but I also know that i've let her down.
I've fallen off the wagon I guess you could say.
She once told me that she was confident in my ability and need to forgive my brother etc. And I really wish that I could say that i'm all hunky dory with him...but i'm not. And i've quite honestly hardly even tried.
It's to hard I guess. I don't know where to start...I don't know that I can just...let go of the anger I feel towards him, or rather, I don't know let go of the anger.
But I know that i've completly disregarded her confidence in me and instead chose to be stagnant and stupid. I've kept myself from letting God in, and I'm making him small.
I'm trying to fit him in my pocket, and i'm not letting him do his work...because I know it's possible for me to forgive...I know because when I saw Jonathon for the first time in two years the other day I was genuinly smiling.
I don't remember what I was doing, but he and my mom and Aunt were talking in the visitation room (visitation in jail and prison is completely different. In prison you aren't seperated by a wall of glass, you can actually touch and hug etc) and I was just kind of smiling...I don't know why. Beacuse in all honesty most of the visit was horrible and I wanted to rip his epidermis off because of his idiotic tatoos, and his stupidity and hurtful words. but there was a momen where he was talking with mom and playing Candyland with Caleb when I was smiling. And I caught myself...and it made me wonder if I was going crazy.
a. because I was almost upset with myself for being in the slightest happy to be here b. I was smiling for goodness sake. c. I dunno. I just thought there should be a c.
So...I know there is hope...But I know i've let Sadie down. For so long I did not care. And frankly a part of me still does not care still.
But i'm beginning to thaw I think
Initially this post was completly blank beacause after I typed in the title I smacked the Enter button in a final manner for some reason and the screen changed to the "Posted" bit, and I was like -_-"
So after much toil (I had to push two whole buttons) i'm ready to get on with the real post.
So. I sent a very long messege to a certain Boss Woman that explained my current feelings that regarded her. See, peeps think that she and I are similar and I guess because of this i've always had a certain attachment to her because if i'm going to be like her when i'm 20 sommat i'm set. Sort of. I guess. But i've always admired her la de da, but I also know that i've let her down.
I've fallen off the wagon I guess you could say.
She once told me that she was confident in my ability and need to forgive my brother etc. And I really wish that I could say that i'm all hunky dory with him...but i'm not. And i've quite honestly hardly even tried.
It's to hard I guess. I don't know where to start...I don't know that I can just...let go of the anger I feel towards him, or rather, I don't know let go of the anger.
But I know that i've completly disregarded her confidence in me and instead chose to be stagnant and stupid. I've kept myself from letting God in, and I'm making him small.
I'm trying to fit him in my pocket, and i'm not letting him do his work...because I know it's possible for me to forgive...I know because when I saw Jonathon for the first time in two years the other day I was genuinly smiling.
I don't remember what I was doing, but he and my mom and Aunt were talking in the visitation room (visitation in jail and prison is completely different. In prison you aren't seperated by a wall of glass, you can actually touch and hug etc) and I was just kind of smiling...I don't know why. Beacuse in all honesty most of the visit was horrible and I wanted to rip his epidermis off because of his idiotic tatoos, and his stupidity and hurtful words. but there was a momen where he was talking with mom and playing Candyland with Caleb when I was smiling. And I caught myself...and it made me wonder if I was going crazy.
a. because I was almost upset with myself for being in the slightest happy to be here b. I was smiling for goodness sake. c. I dunno. I just thought there should be a c.
So...I know there is hope...But I know i've let Sadie down. For so long I did not care. And frankly a part of me still does not care still.
But i'm beginning to thaw I think
Dressed up to Undress
*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 2ND 2010*
I don't know what to say.
I think i'm just posting this because I want to beat Kori in her number of posts...even though she is like, nine ahead of me I will prevail!!
I will. ^^
Well, i'm back from NC...and i've been reading to many fanfictions lately.
I'm such a fangirl. but i've tried many a time to give up my addictions, but it's just not working for me so i've prett much given up. I mean, so what? It's not like anybody but my close friends and family know!
I don't go around advertising it, so I don't have to worry about the cute boys finding out or anything. Unless I tell them...and I most likely wont unless they too are dorks or I have no romantic interest in them...or my romantic interest in them is so high that I don't mind letting them know i'm in fact a nerd.
And now that I think on it just about all the guys I know fall under one of those categories...I don't think that's sad though.
Maybe best, yeah?
I don't know what to say.
I think i'm just posting this because I want to beat Kori in her number of posts...even though she is like, nine ahead of me I will prevail!!
I will. ^^
Well, i'm back from NC...and i've been reading to many fanfictions lately.
I'm such a fangirl. but i've tried many a time to give up my addictions, but it's just not working for me so i've prett much given up. I mean, so what? It's not like anybody but my close friends and family know!
I don't go around advertising it, so I don't have to worry about the cute boys finding out or anything. Unless I tell them...and I most likely wont unless they too are dorks or I have no romantic interest in them...or my romantic interest in them is so high that I don't mind letting them know i'm in fact a nerd.
And now that I think on it just about all the guys I know fall under one of those categories...I don't think that's sad though.
Maybe best, yeah?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Beautiful Beautiful
Sometimes I wish I could just capture a singular thought, and then set it free with written words.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Get engaged in California
And i'm sad cuz you'll be alone on my bed and tango with daddy and seperate only and smile my only smile.
3rd Measurment in C.
good song...
3rd Measurment in C.
good song...
Monday, October 18, 2010
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