Can't We Start Again?

*ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 3RD 2010*

Initially this post was completly blank beacause after I typed in the title I smacked the Enter button in a final manner for some reason and the screen changed to the "Posted" bit, and I was like -_-"

So after much toil (I had to push two whole buttons) i'm ready to get on with the real post.

So. I sent a very long messege to a certain Boss Woman that explained my current feelings that regarded her. See, peeps think that she and I are similar and I guess because of this i've always had a certain attachment to her because if i'm going to be like her when i'm 20 sommat i'm set. Sort of. I guess. But i've always admired her la de da, but I also know that i've let her down.

I've fallen off the wagon I guess you could say.

She once told me that she was confident in my ability and need to forgive my brother etc. And I really wish that I could say that i'm all hunky dory with him...but i'm not. And i've quite honestly hardly even tried.

It's to hard I guess. I don't know where to start...I don't know that I can just...let go of the anger I feel towards him, or rather, I don't know let go of the anger.

But I know that i've completly disregarded her confidence in me and instead chose to be stagnant and stupid. I've kept myself from letting God in, and I'm making him small.

I'm trying to fit him in my pocket, and i'm not letting him do his work...because I know it's possible for me to forgive...I know because when I saw Jonathon for the first time in two years the other day I was genuinly smiling.

I don't remember what I was doing, but he and my mom and Aunt were talking in the visitation room (visitation in jail and prison is completely different. In prison you aren't seperated by a wall of glass, you can actually touch and hug etc) and I was just kind of smiling...I don't know why. Beacuse in all honesty most of the visit was horrible and I wanted to rip his epidermis off because of his idiotic tatoos, and his stupidity and hurtful words. but there was a momen where he was talking with mom and playing Candyland with Caleb when I was smiling. And I caught myself...and it made me wonder if I was going crazy.

a. because I was almost upset with myself for being in the slightest happy to be here b. I was smiling for goodness sake. c. I dunno. I just thought there should be a c.

So...I know there is hope...But I know i've let Sadie down. For so long I did not care. And frankly a part of me still does not care still.

But i'm beginning to thaw I think