I can't wait to die

I want to be known as the person who had so much to gain but gave it all away.

The title isn't a song lyric, but the line above is. But the title is just to perfect.

Because it's true. I can't wait to die.

I went to a memorial service at my 'old church' (I hate that phrase beacuse I don't consider Living Word to be my old church, they are my family etc.) for one of the elders there. She is actually the mother of Pastor Christine, but anywho, her name was Barbara Howell and when I say elder she really was quite old, she was 89, and that age really may not be old but that woman certainly went through a lot in her life, and most of it I wasn't even aware of until yesterday afternoon.

Lately I've been struggling with the my 'purpose in life' I guess one calls it. I simply don't know what I'm suppossed to do even though I'm assured by friends and family that I'm capable of doing anything I could possibly want to (aren't they suppossed to say that though? =P) but it's not about what I want to do, it's about what I'm suppossed to do.

The duh kind of aspect of what I want to do is...I dunno...be active? I guess one could say?

I don't want to be confined to a life of domesticity. I do want children. I want a lot of them. But I don't know that I want it to be my whole life. I want to go out to the world and proclaim my faith to everyone I can possibly reach before I'm 'tied down'. And I literally yearn for that kind of life....to be living for God and doing his will and knowing and having complete faith in him and his plans for me.

Yesterday at the memorial service everybody who spoke, spoke of Barbara and her willingness to do Gods will. And she was unbelievably succesful. And I just...I want that so bad. I want to be able to just die knowing that I've truly done what I was created for.

And I guess that's why I can't wait to die...because I'm going to do that. I'm going to find my 'purpose' or whatever, and I'm going to follow through with it. And I'm going to punch Satan in the balls with my purpose because he hates it when people do God's will.

So I'm excited. Because I just can't wait...AUGH! I just wnat to live my life right now and do all that janks so I can be done with it!

Sometimes you have to turn down the noise

And turn up the quiet.

Today while I was working I served this elderly-ish woman. She may have been in her early sixties late fifties. And for some reason...when I looked at her I thought "I really hope she is married." so I checked both hands (I have problems with differentiating between left and right. hush.) and come to find out, she wasn't. or at least, there was no ring. And I just became sad for her...not because I feel like you need to be married to have a fulfilled life...but because she seemed so lonely and just...morose inside and I wanted to talk to her and be friendly and what such but I was afraid...

I don't know why I was afraid, or really even of what...at the time I was thinking "social norms social norms social norms" (I mean, really, a 17 year old chickfila employee randomly sits down with an elderly customer. They'd prolly think i'm trying to weasel my way into a trust fund or something.) so it didn't come accross as fear at the time, but I spose that is what it was.

But anywho.

This one lady (for the life of me I can't even recall her name...) got me thinking about everyother individual in the world. And progressively I just became more depressed an depressed because there will always always always be people like her...or if not like her (I don't actually know if this lady was sad and lonely, this is all just an assumption I'm making for myself)then in a bad place in their lives. And all of these desolate souls (I know that sounds corny, but it's not to far from the truth!) will not have anybody to comfort them...maybe someone will notice but brush it off like I did this evening.

And that makes me sad...to know that there are all of these struggling people in the world...I dunno. I guess I just wish I could fix everybody...I know that's not in my power, but someday I hope that I can be a tool in that way...

I also wish I could get my butt in line.

sigh.

So many problems in the world...and there is only one solution!

But I'll make it...I hope. =)